Hiring a nanny is no small task. You’ve probably spent hours browsing nanny profiles, conducting interviews, and arranging trials with different nannies. Or, if you used an agency, you've likely still invested significant time and money into finding the right fit for your family. Now, just when you think the hard part is over, your child tells you something disappointing: they don’t like their new nanny. Where do you go from here?
Don’t Panic
Take a few deep breaths, and try not to make any hasty decisions. Children thrive on consistency and often seek out what is familiar to them. By the same token, changes—such as bringing a new person into their lives—can be anxiety-inducing and may be met with some resistance initially. That being said, you shouldn’t automatically assume that your child’s “dislike” for their nanny means you chose wrong. In my experience as a former “disliked nanny” turned “favorite nanny,” they may simply be communicating their anxiety in terms they can understand.
Ask Them Why
Although it’s often the case that the child is just nervous, it’s still worthwhile to ask them why they don’t like the nanny. For one, it’s important to let them know you’re listening and validate their experience. This allows them to feel safe coming to you with their problems, even when it may be inconvenient to you. This is especially important for very young children who are still developing the ability to regulate their emotions independently. They need the opportunity to vent and have a calm, emotionally responsive parent help them navigate their difficult feelings.
Second, there’s always a possibility that they have a legitimate reason for feeling that they dislike their nanny. Sometimes, despite a parent’s best efforts at choosing a suitable nanny, they just aren’t a great fit for the family. It could boil down to a simple personality mismatch or a more serious concern, but you likely won’t know until you take a moment to talk to your child.
What’s Normal
Children may have a variety of complaints about their nanny. They may say that the new nanny:
Doesn’t know all their favorite things (e.g., toys, games, songs, etc.)
Has rules they don’t like
Takes them away from you (common with separation anxiety)
Isn’t like their old nanny
Typically, these kinds of comments are not major causes for concern, but rather reflect discomfort with the recent change. Children are hard-wired to prefer predictability, and when you add a new person into their daily lives, they’re not sure what their lives will look like going forward. Most adults can agree that uncertainty is uncomfortable, so imagine what it must be like for a child who relies on others for stability. It’s not easy.
The good news is that some initial discomfort is okay. Think of all the changes children must learn to accept as they grow: weaning from breastfeeding, potty training, going to school, gaining a new sibling, and so on. We tend to accept these changes as normal parts of childhood without fully appreciating how much time children spend adapting to new circumstances. That being said, I wouldn’t underestimate your child’s ability to adapt to having a new nanny. Often, it just takes time.
The Gray Area
Some things a child might say about their new nanny can make it harder to determine how worried you should be. For example, they may say they’re scared of the nanny, or that the nanny is “mean.” Statements like these, while initially concerning, should always be explored further. Can you tell me more about why you feel scared? Why do you feel that the nanny was mean? The best-case scenario is that your child is attempting to convey something much more benign, like that they’re feeling shy, or that the nanny enforced a rule or boundary (I’ve been the “mean” nanny for this reason!). The worst-case scenario is, of course, that the nanny really is behaving in the way your child is describing. In this case, your child’s well-being must take priority, and immediate steps should be taken to address the issue.
What’s Unacceptable
There are some behaviors that warrant immediate dismissal of a nanny. These include anything that jeopardizes the health, safety, or overall well-being of the child, including but not limited to:
Physical abuse
Sexual abuse
Verbal abuse
Intimidation
Smoking around the child
Reckless driving
Leaving a child requiring constant supervision unattended
If you suspect that your nanny is abusing your child, you should immediately separate your child from them and promptly report it to the appropriate authorities. They will then determine whether an investigation is necessary. You can read more about child abuse reporting procedures here.
If you find that your nanny has endangered your child, you should let them go immediately. For other forms of misconduct, you should assess the circumstances and determine whether dismissal is warranted. Whatever the case may be, the bottom line is that your child’s well-being is always the top priority.
